Harold's Dilemma/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, one of the disadvantages of living in a small town in winter is you never drive far enough for your car heater to warm up. It almost makes me wish they'd move the beer store to port asbestos. Luckily, the handyman always has a solution. Rather than wasting a whole bunch of gas warming up your car heater, I got a better idea -- or at least I should say a cheaper idea. I've lined the whole inside of my coat with toaster elements. And I've hooked up this plug that goes right into the cigarette lighter. So in about ten seconds, I'll be warm as toast. You could line the inside of your pants the same way, but instead of a toaster you should use a bun warmer. I recommend you give this a try. I guarantee you'll be the toast of the town. [ timer bell rings ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. No, no. I appreciate that. Well, I've had a pleasant surprise, and that doesn't happen all that often when you're a middle-aged man in a world riddled with full-length mirrors. You know, when harold took on the job as public relations director for the possum lake area, I was afraid he was going to wreck the lodge just so people would like it. But here we are almost a year later, and he really hasn't changed anything. I mean, that suits me fine. I find life goes better when people don't do anything. Uncle red, I have something to discuss with you. Okay, that's fine, harold. You know, I was just telling everybody how proud I am of how little you've accomplished. [ laughter ] oh, oh. I appreciate that. Of course, city council has a bit of a different take on it. Overall, my department is showing a net loss of $5,000. Oh, man, that's not bad, huh? Well, they were hoping for a profit. They hired me as a revenue source, so they're pretty disappointed. Well, harold, life is about disappointment. You'd know that if you were married. Well, now my contract's up for renewal. I have to find a way to cover the $5,000 shortfall. So I've booked an appointment with the bank manager. Well, there you go. And don't take any guff from him, harold. I mean, you know, he's there to lend money. That's his job, okay. And there's other banks. Like, if he doesn't offer you something you like, you just give him the big orange and hike it on outta there. Okay! Okay! Good. Good. 'cause I need you to go with me. Oh, no, harold, that guy scares the crap outta me. No. Come on! I'll do all the talking. And the lodge is a big part of the problem. So I need you to wear this sports coat, because it makes a better professional impression. I thought you were just taking this to the cleaners. All set. Let's go. You want me to take it to the cleaners when I'm done? No. Why are you so concerned about my jacket? Well, every time I've been to the bank, somebody ends up going to the cleaners. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is a ride-along in a police cruiser with one of possum lake's finest. Experience the thrills, the high-speed chases, the drive-bys and the drive-thrus. This is a great prize. I've been on a couple of these myself. Okay, cover your thingys. Okay, mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word... All right, mike. And go! Okay, winston, this is the opposite of admission. Subtraction? Okay, someone who's unaware of their own weaknesses or shortcomings is obviously in... Politics. Okay, okay, okay. If somebody is outta touch with reality, they're experiencing... A beer buzz. Almost outta time, mr. Green. Winston, what was that slogan you came up with last week? Remember you came up with that slogan? Oh, yeah, yeah. I love sucking septics; it suits my style. I'd rather be in sewage than live in denial. There we go, baby! [ ♪ ] this is the repair shop part of the show we call if it ain't broke, you're not trying. Joining me today, dalton humphrey of humphrey's everything store. You got any bargains down at the store there, dalton? You betcha, red. You drop by before noon on Saturday, the admission is free. Do you normally charge admission to your store? It's not just a store, red. I kind of think of it as a thrift museum. Oh, yeah, and is this an artefact from the cheap crap display? No, no, that's my wife's waffle iron. I was wondering if you could help me clean it. You make waffles out of petroleum products, do you? There's some kind of melted rubber on here. Yeah, right. Well, I wore all the treads off my work boots, and I saw that the pattern on this waffle iron was the same, so I figured I could -- you know, I'd just -- start to liquefy some noxious materials in your kitchen to save a few bucks, huh? Boy, I never thought of it that way. Gee, I thought maybe the budgie just died of old age. Well, I might be able to get that off with a screw driver. How did you wear the treads off your work boots? Well, I finally decided to build that gazebo my wife's been asking for. So I had to pick up about a tonne of shingles and lumber and stuff, so I just threw it all in the back of my truck, see? Oh, that old pick-up truck? You finally coughed up enough money to get the brakes fixed on that yet? No, no, that's how I wore the treads off my shoes. So can you help me clean this up? Yeah, I think she's pretty good right there. Oh, that's great. I wish I could pay you. Well, why don't you just give me the waffle iron? No, no, I need this. I'm gonna make some snow tires. People sometimes call me a chump. They say I'm too small to handle a dump. But I can suck up any size lump. It's not the length of the hose, it's the strength of the pump. Don't you hate driving in winter when your tires just sit there and spin? Oh, sure, it's okay if you're just driving to school or work; but other than that, it can be a real pain. So this time on handyman corner, I'm gonna show you how you can convert your car into a go-anywhere winter vehicle. First thing we gotta do is increase the traction on the back wheels. To do that you're gonna need a man's belt made out of leather and big enough to go all the way around tire. If you're a math whiz, now, what you do is measure the diameter and multiply that by pi. Or you could just get yourself a couple of moose thompson's belts. They're used to being around a tire, and I'm sure pie was involved. Now, before we mount the belts onto the wheels, we need to add something to them to give us a lot more traction. I suggest cutlery. You probably have a bunch of old, used cutlery around your house. We're not that lucky at the lodge. We have lots of old cutlery, but hardly any of it is used. Now, you'll notice I attached all the cutlery on there using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. Now all I have to do is replace the standard wheels with these babies, and I'm good to go. And it's just that easy. Now you'll be able to go anywhere, even if there's a fork in the road. Get it? Oh, and take a look at this. To make sure the front wheels glide along smoothly, I found a great use for those old toboggans. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Lots of crazy stuff happening on the roads these days. I mean, you see the ads on tv, where they got some yuppie, weenie in a high-priced status-mobile sliding into a corner in a four-wheel drift, going about 130. You think to yourself, now, who would be stupid enough to try that? You go out on the highway, there's your answer. I mean, these guys, they're dipsy-doodling through the traffic doing twice the speed of sense, turning your relaxing drive into a teeth grinder. You know what these goofs are saying more or less is, hey, out of the way, sucker. Make room for the big fish, huh? I know the normal reaction is to teach them a lesson by driving like an idiot yourself. But you might wanna think that one over. You know, at that speed, the road'll be going by pretty fast when you look down through the boards of your k-car. So instead, I say, just slow down. Think about the truth. That guy that just blew past you is trying to make payments on a $60,000 car. And he's got to get to work early so he can get a promotion so that next year he can make payments on an $80,000 car. I mean, it's like he's treading water in a saucepan. He's not gonna drown, but he's still cooked. Whereas you, my friend, have the sweet life. If you're late for work nobody cares. You don't have to risk your life. Do you see a promotion coming your way? No chance! So you just sit back, turn up the radio, if it still works. Don't the let the big fish in the small car bother you. Right now he's just the one who got away. But in the long run, you're the one who got your way. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] if your home has started to smell like a barn and you're 1,000 miles from the nearest farm, call before the stink does any more harm. Don't wait till it sets off the smoke alarm. Dalton: What a beautiful day. Red: Yeah, you won't see another one like today. Mike: It's almost like a dream, except for the smell of the lake. Dalton: Maybe it is a dream. Mike: Say, what is that smell anyway? Red: Well, it's either raw sewage or dead algae or dalton. Dalton: You know, it could be a dream. Maybe I'm dreaming and your two aren't real. Mike: Or maybe I'm dreaming. This could be my dream. Except you guys would be wearing dresses. Red: Well, if it was my dream, I'd have caught some fish by now, and I wouldn't have you two. I'd have harpo marx and marcel marceau here. Mike: I think he wants us to be quiet. Dalton: I sensed that. Mike: What do you dream about, mr. Green? Red: A perfect world, mike, where nobody bothers me. Dalton: Amen. Mike: But for nobody to bother you, you'd have to be alone. Dalton: Well, sometimes a man needs to be alone, mike. Mike: I know. It's called solitary. I just never heard of anybody dreaming about it before. Red: Well, no, we don't want to be alone all the time, just some of the time. Dalton: A lot of the time. Most of the time. Mike: Not me. I like to be with people, interacting, sharing. Red: You know, mike, when you steal a person's watch, that's not called sharing. Mike: That's been a harsh lesson for me. Red: Yeah. [ applause ] okay, so we go down to the bank to borrow the 5,000 and I was asked to be there. Then I was told to sit quietly and keep my mouth shut. That's what you told me, right? Everyone in the bank told you. Okay, that's fine. So I'm sitting there waiting for harold trump here to ask for the 5,000. You can't just borrow money. You have to have a business plan. I've never had a business plan. You never ran a business. Well, this is a lodge, harold. This is for the enjoyment of people like me. It's not about making money. And it's my job to change that. I like my job. I don't wanna lose it and have to move away again. That's why I made the proposal. Oh, boy, you should've heard this. He says we wanna make all kinds of improvements to the lodge so it'll attract tourists to come up from the city. Who wants that? Well, we have a financial problem, uncle red. Well, okay, we have a $5,000 problem, harold. Why can't we just borrow against the lodge. It's gotta be worth at least five grand. Well, I'd say closer to 200. Really? 200,000? $200? No. That's the one. What are you talking about, harold? I mean, the land alone has got to be worth 50,000. You don't own the land, the bank does. Well, then what are they worried about? That doesn't even make sense. Uncle red, the only way out of this is we have to make major renovations and then the lodge can become a profit centre. Oh, yeah. You should've heard this one. He hits the bank up for two million bucks! I mean, it was the most insane thing I ever heard. And then the bank manager tops him by saying yes. Well, he knows a good investment when he sees one. Harold, that's not a good investment; that's insanity. You don't take on a $2 million debt to solve a $5,000 problem. It's the way the government does it. [ applause ] red: Mike and I had kind of agreed to meet out by the woods there and just go have a little picnic. And mike pulled up in a car -- wow! That is a nice set of wheels. That your car, mike? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, he says. All right, well, it's his car now, I guess. I got a little suspicious when he couldn't figure out how to open the trunk. So I said, this is one of these fancy -- it's the remote deal. You push the little button to open the trunk. Funny he didn't know that, eh, with it being his car and everything? So he had brought his stuff for the picnic, which was about ten of those boxes of canned stew. I figured one would do it, but he wanted to take them all. He said he had to hide them for a while. So as long as he's carrying them, I didn't mind. And he also had brought a two-wheel dolly that had kind of a fresh look to it as well. But I didn't ask any questions. So, uh, away we go into the woods. This is a great day, fantastic day. It's a beautiful, beautiful day. And we got in there, and I gotta give mike credit. Things get tough, but he doesn't quit. He finds a way to get the job done one way or another. So we got the fire going. I was making a hot dog, but mike had no can opener. I didn't have a can opener on me, so I said, maybe you should go back to the car. And so he's going to go back to the car, and I thought, you know, if you're going to go back to the car, you might as well go in the direction the car is. That could probably speed things up somewhat. And something happened here. Sometimes you get into the woods, and if there's not a clear trail, you end up doing a u-turn. You know, it's the kind of thing that can happen to anybody, but I don't know how he ended up coming in the wrong way. So I said, mike, you go that way, and I'll go the way you were supposed to go and I'm sure it's gonna work out fine. So I come down through the woods, and like I say, it could happen to anybody. Next thing you know, I come back. I don't know if I'm ever gonna see mike again. But oh, yeah, there he is eating my hot dog. So I figure okay, we need to add some technology into this mystery, so I asked him for his ittle remote thing there, and I figuring if I can honk the car horn -- when you lock 'em, the horn honks on these. So we listened for it. [ horn honking ] yeah, so we just gotta walk the way it's coming. No, that's not gonna -- all right. All right. All right, it's also got the remote starter on the back of it, so if we start her up, and if she's in gear at all, she should start driving toward us. And that would be a -- the car should just come -- oh, I didn't see the tree there. All right, all right, that's -- okay, there's going to be some damage on your new -- oh! There's gonna be some damage, and I don't know what we do now. Oh, wait a second, if the car hit the tree, it means that -- well, this is a brilliant way to find your way home. All you kids out there, just follow the tree that your house knocked... Over... And you'll get back -- anyway, it doesn't matter. It was as great day, and mike's car, I'm sure, will be covered by somebody's insurance. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] when your septics need cleaning because they smell unkempt -- it happens to everyone, no one's exempt, call your friends at rothschild's. We hold no contempt. We'll suck out your sewage or die in the attempt. You know, to me the mark of a true handyman is to be able to see what something does and then use it in a completely different application. For example, they have this bubbly medicine for stomach aches or headaches or dry heaves or whatever. See that? Goes nuts when it hits the water. Kind of like a three-year-old at at wading pool that's power you're looking at there. And I'm thinking there's gotta be a better way of using that power. How about making a power canoe? Just attach a piece of drain pipe to the side and run it from above the gunnels down into the water. Make sure you attach it loose so that you've got forward and reverse. Now you just pour the medicine down the pipe. It hits the water coming up and that starts making the power. Now all you have to do is direct that power so it comes out the bottom of the pipe. That's what this cork is for. All right, let's give her a go. I'm just gonna pour the medicine into the hole. Then jam the cork in there and hold onto the pipe. Oh, yeah, one more thing... Go big or go home. [ cheers and applause ] well, I think I got the financial problem solved. See, all we really need is $5,000. Now, okay, none of the possum lodge members have that kind of cash, but I figured, hey, why don't we pool our money? Or maybe a better way to say it is, why don't we puddle our money? So I figure if I get five guys to each put up 1,000 -- that's too high. Okay, 50,000 guys at a dime each. That's gonna take forever. Then I think, okay, 50 guys at 100 bucks a piece and that works out to -- well, close enough. So I got her knocked right here. Uncle red, you wanted to see me? Absolutely. I've got great news. I've solved the problem. Here's a cheque for five grand. Wow! I can't accept this. You can accept it. It's a loan. And take your time paying it back. That's what we do. No, no, it's not a lodge debt. This is a personal problem. It's important to me that I find a solution. Harold, we don't like the solution, okay? We don't want the lodge to change, harold, okay? Everything in life changes; we need the lodge to stay exactly the way it is. I understand that. You understand it? You borrowed two million bucks to turn it into the mosquito hilton. No, no, I canceled that loan. Great! Well, you use the cheque so you can keep your job. (softly) thank you. You know, in your own way, you're saying that you like me and that you want me to stay. I said that? And this cheque means nothing. That means way more to me. I said that? You know what I did? You know what I did? You know what I did? I'll tell you what I did. I paid the $5,000 out of my own pocket. So yes, I am staying. Well, good for you, harold. You know what? Good for all of us. Yeah, you know, I'd rather make a lower income if it means I'll be able to live here. Good for you. Is that dumb? I dunno, but it's how canada was built. [ possum squealing ] yeah, you go ahead. Meeting time. I'll be right down. Okay, if my wife is watching, harold has abandoned his whole plan to renovate the lodge. That's gotta be great news. And he actually paid off a debt, and that's about as much radical change as we can absorb at one time. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, you keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down, guys. Sit down. That's it. Have a seat. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, I've got great news. Harold has actually paid off the debt all by himself. So now we don't have to worry about the bank honouring this cheque, even though we post dated it ten years from now. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com